Dealing with Difficult People (HBR Emotional Intelligence Series)

1. To Resolve a Conflict, First Decide: Is It Hot or Cold?

• You must ask yourself: is this a 'hot' conflict of high emotion and high drama, or a 'cold' conflict of deep-seated, structural issues?
• When the conflict is 'hot,' cooling it down is the priority; rational problem-solving comes later.
• For 'cold' conflict, the solution often lies in changing the system, not just the individual.

• Make time your ally. Don't rush to act. Unless you're in danger, take stock of your options. Otherwise you might say or do something you regret.
• Determine your goal, and focus on it. Don't get distracted; stick to what matters.
• Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing. Focus on the problem, not the people.
• Beware of self-righteousness. Keep an open mind; you may find that you can learn some-thing of value.
• Listen to everything, but respond selectively. You don't have to address every point-just the ones that make a difference.
• Take stock before you take sides. Don't speak-or take any other action-until you've really heard the other person out. Don't leap to conclusions before you have a firm grasp of the situation at hand.
• Consider calling in a third party. Someone who is not involved in the conflict may be able to provide vital perspective for both parties.
• Allow your adversary to know you. Letting down your guard and letting the other person in may help them understand your point of view.
• Check the temperature gauge. If the conflict is still too hot, don't try to resolve it right away. Agree to come back when things have cooled.
• Observe the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be polite. Be compassionate. It may inspire your adversary to do the same.
• Keep in mind that showing your ability to navigate conflict is one of the primary ways that you

2. Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Conversations

• The goal is not to eliminate difficulty, but to handle it.
• Under stress, the most important thing to monitor is your own tendency to speak too quickly, too loudly, or too much.
• Listen for the underlying interests, not just the stated positions.

• Clarity means letting words do the work for us. Avoid euphemisms or talking in circles, and tell people what you mean
• Tone is the nonverbal part of delivery in stressful conversations. It is intonation, facial expressions, and conscious and unconscious body language. But a neutral tone is the best place to start when a conversation turns stressful.
• Temperate phrasing is the final element. There are lots of different ways to say what you need to say. Some of these phrases are temperate, while others will badly provoke the recipient to dismiss your words and your content.
• One of the most common occurrences in stressful conversations is that we all start relying far too much on our intentions. As the mercury in our emotional thermometer rises, we presume that other people automatically understand what we mean.
• In all conversations, but especially in stressful ones, we are all responsible for getting across to one another precisely what we want to say.

3. The Secret to Dealing with Difficult People: It's About You

• The most powerful tool we have in dealing with difficult people is our capacity to manage our own emotional response.
• The key to changing a difficult interaction is to change your own behavior first.
• Before you can influence an interaction, you have to be in control of your own internal state.

• Our core emotional need is to feel valued and valuable. When we don't, it's deeply unsettling, a challenge to our sense of equilibrium, security, and well-being.
• "What are the facts in this situation?" "What's the story I'm telling myself about those facts?" Making this distinction allows you to stand outside your experience rather than simply reacting to it. "How would I act here at my best?"
• Counterintuitively, one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your value, when it feels threatened, is to find a way to appreciate the perspective of the person you feel devalued by. It's called empathy.
• "Regardless of how I feel about what's happening right now, how can I grow and learn from this experience?"

4. How to Deal with a Mean Colleague

• The first rule of thumb is to create distance between yourself and the offender.
• A mean colleague’s bad behavior is usually not about you, even when it’s directed at you.
• Be professional, brief, and businesslike in all your interactions. Don't give them fodder.

• The first step is to understand what's causing the behavior.
• "We often see powerful people behave aggressively toward less powerful people when their competence is questioned"
• "Everybody should have alliances at work - peers and people above and below, who can be your advocates and champions"

Do:

• Know that most people act aggressively at work because they feel threatened.
• Ask yourself whether you're being overly sensitive or misinterpreting the situation.
• Call out the inappropriate behavior in the moment.

Don't:

• Take the blame. Many bullies pick targets that are highly skilled and well-liked.
• Escalate the situation until you've tried to solve it informally and with the help of your allies.
• Suffer unnecessarily. If the situation persists and you can leave, do it.

5. How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Colleague

• "This is not one of those situations to fight fire with fire, do you best to remain calm."
• "Responding in an emotional way will likely leave you looking and feeling like a fool. This is your opportunity to be the bigger person."
• It could be that they don't know how to communicate or are afraid of conflict.
• "Not everyone knows how to publicly discuss or express what they think."

Do:

• Understand why people typically act this way: Their needs probably aren't being met.
• Focus on the message your colleague is trying to convey, even if their delivery is misguided.
• Take a step back and ask yourself if you're contributing to the issue in some way.

Don't:

• Lose your cool. Address the underlying business issue in a calm, matter-of-fact way.
• Accuse the person of acting passive-aggressively-that will only make them madder.
• Assume you can change your colleague's behavior.

6. How to Work with Someone Who’s Always Stressed Out

Do:

• Offer support by asking if there's anything you can do to help. This will help your stressed-out colleague feel less alone.
• Improve your colleague's self-image by offering praise.
• Think about ways to reduce the person's cognitive load by, for instance, breaking work up into more-manageable chunks.

Don't:

• Judge. Your colleague may express stress differently than you, but that's not necessarily a character flaw.
• Enable the person. Simply acknowledge the stress, then try to help your colleague move beyond it.
• Get sucked in. Instead, figure out ways to get distance from your colleague.

7. How to Manage Someone Who Thinks Everything Is Urgent

• Help them to recognize their impact on others. I encouraged his manger to affirm the importance of collaboration and to ask him to prepare the equivalent of "impact statements" as a way to force interaction and cooperation with other parties.
• Encourage them to identify the consequences of their actions. It's typical for urgent employees to see only the upside of acting quickly, not the negative effects of acting too quickly
• Pair them with long-term thinkers. Effective interventions let urgent employees actually experience t he success that comes from a more deliberate, thoughtful approach.
• Coach them to separate urgency from what actually needs to be done. Addressing underlying concerns often mitigates the apparent need for urgency.

8. Do You Hate Your Boss?

• The first step is to consider the external pressures your manager is under. Remember, most bad bosses are not inherently bad people; they're good people with weakness that can be exacerbated by the pressure to lead and delivery results. So it's important to consider not just how they act but why they're acting that way.
• Empathy can be learned. Although it may be a conscious exercise, a display of empathy is still best delivered in an informal setting.
• The second step is to look at yourself. People who struggle to work well with their bosses are nearly always part of the problem themselves: their behavior is in some way preventing them from being recognized and valued.
• Start with some introspection. Consider, as objectively as you can, any criticisms your boss has offered. In what areas do you need to improve? What aspects of your behavior or output might irk him or her?
• Next, observe and seek advice from colleagues who work successfully with your boss. Try to understand the boss's preferences, quirks, and hot buttons, and get some pointers on how you might do things differently.